[WORLD] Relationships don’t dissolve in an instant; more often than not, they deteriorate gradually due to a series of small missteps that accumulate over time—until they become overwhelming.
As a psychologist specializing in couples, I’ve observed many variations of this. Partners often come to my office believing that their issues are rooted in frequent arguments or conflicts. However, as we delve deeper, we often uncover a common underlying cause: the way they communicate during these disagreements.
This pattern extends beyond romantic relationships, impacting workplace dynamics and friendships as well, especially when comparisons begin to surface. However, the stakes tend to be higher in intimate relationships, where vulnerability and emotional safety are paramount. When one partner feels compared to others, it can chip away at the trust that keeps the relationship intact.
One particular phrase I’ve encountered in these situations is surprisingly harmful: “Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?”
The ‘Death-by-Comparison’ Effect
If you’ve used this phrase, your relationship may be in jeopardy.
At first glance, it might appear to be a casual comment or a frustrated remark made in the heat of an argument.
However, recent studies in relational psychology suggest that such comparisons trigger a primal fear of rejection. The brain processes social exclusion similarly to physical pain, which explains why even seemingly insignificant comments can have lasting emotional repercussions. This is especially true when the comparison comes from someone whose opinion matters deeply—like a partner.
What many couples fail to realize is that the person being compared is irrelevant—whether it’s an ex, a friend’s partner, or even a past version of themselves. The real message is always the same: “You’re not enough, and someone else could do a better job of being my partner.”
Over time, such comparisons can foster deep insecurities. Instead of feeling loved for who they are, the person on the receiving end may begin to question their worth and wonder if they’re meeting expectations.
Why Do We Say It?
Relationships can’t thrive when we expect our partners to be someone they’re not. True happiness in a relationship comes when we communicate our needs clearly—without shame or comparison.
Societal pressures often exacerbate this tendency. Social media, for instance, provides a constant stream of curated, idealized portrayals of relationships, setting unrealistic standards. A 2023 study revealed that couples who frequently compared their relationships to these online depictions reported lower satisfaction and more frequent conflicts.
Thus, the issue isn’t just the phrase itself, but the deeper dysfunction it often signifies: the fear of speaking up.
Research sheds light on why some partners avoid expressing their frustrations openly. One study found that when a partner feels uncertain about the relationship or unsure of how their partner will respond, they are more likely to suppress their feelings.
Instead of directly saying, “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend quality time together,” they bottle it up. These small moments accumulate until, eventually, they impulsively blurt out something like, “Why can’t you be more like Sarah’s husband? He actually plans dates.”
It’s not that they want a different partner; they simply don’t feel safe enough to voice their needs directly. The more secure and emotionally close a person feels in their relationship, the more likely they are to communicate openly.
A Healthier Way to Express Your Needs
Rather than referencing someone else as a benchmark, focus on your own desires. What are you truly asking for? And why are you afraid to express it openly?
For couples facing this issue, therapy can offer a neutral environment where they can practice vulnerability. Techniques like “I-statements” and active listening exercises help reframe complaints as shared goals. Over time, this encourages collaboration instead of blame, strengthening the relationship’s emotional bond.
If you find yourself about to say, “Why can’t you be more like Alex? He never blows up over small things,” try these alternatives instead:
- “I know we both get frustrated sometimes, but it would mean a lot to me if we could speak to each other kindly, without raising our voices.”
- “It’s tough for me when our arguments escalate so quickly. I’d love for us to work on staying calm together during tough moments.”
Notice how these statements center on your own feelings, rather than comparing your partner to someone else. This approach fosters connection, rather than making an accusation.
Successful relationships depend on the willingness to love each other as real, imperfect, irreplaceable people—not as comparisons to someone else. They also require the courage to speak honestly, coupled with the trust that such openness will be met with respect.
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