[WORLD] Could it be that motherhood isn’t as dreadful as social media might suggest? Or perhaps it's simply more positive—yes, positive—than the online narratives we’re fed?
A recent survey of over 5,000 mothers conducted by Peanut, an app for those navigating fertility, pregnancy, motherhood, or menopause, revealed that 84% of mothers feel that parenting is inaccurately portrayed in the content they consume.
This finding likely doesn’t come as a surprise, but here's something that might: 91% of moms reported feeling more joy and fulfillment than they had expected, and 81% believe there should be more focus on the positive aspects of parenting.
These insights align with recent studies on parental well-being. A 2023 study in Psychological Science showed that parents often experience higher levels of happiness and meaning in their daily lives compared to non-parents, especially during caregiving activities. Yet, societal conversations continue to highlight struggles, while emotional rewards often go underreported.
I wasn’t involved in this survey, but had I been, I would’ve agreed: Parenting could really use a reputation makeover.
The Joys of Parenting
Peanut’s survey is part of a larger campaign aimed at reshaping the narrative surrounding the realities of parenting. The campaign includes a video that opens with various descriptors of motherhood: amazing, hard, challenging, beautiful—and complex.
This push for a more balanced view reflects a cultural shift. Experts argue that the pendulum has swung too far from idealized portrayals of motherhood to a sharp focus on its hardships. Dr. Lucia Ciciolla, a psychologist specializing in parental mental health, explains that neither extreme benefits parents: "When we overlook the joy, we risk framing parenting as purely sacrificial, which can discourage those who might find deep meaning in it."
As we scroll through headlines and news segments reporting the stresses of parenthood, we see stories like Vox’s "How millennials learned to dread motherhood." (I read it when it first came out—it's an insightful piece that aligns with what Peanut is trying to convey.)
Conversations about declining birth rates, mental load, and the various pressures parents face were also highlighted by Surgeon General Vivek Murthy in his August 2024 advisory on parental mental health.
However, these heavy topics are often followed by a shift toward quieter, more intimate moments—a mother breastfeeding, cuddling in bed, or sharing a playful meal.
Peanut’s survey found that small, simple moments like morning cuddles (62%), spontaneous laughter (57%), and watching a child learn new skills (52%) brought mothers more joy than extravagant, expensive activities.
These micro-moments aren’t just emotionally meaningful; they also have neurological benefits. Neuroscientists highlight the role of oxytocin, released during caregiving interactions, as a major factor in building parental bonds and resilience. Dr. Anna Machin, author of The Life of Dad, explains: "The brain rewards us for nurturing. It’s biology’s way of ensuring we keep showing up, even when it’s tough."
In the 2000s and 2010s, when mommy blogging was in its prime and Instagram was full of pristine photos featuring product flat lays and picture-perfect moments, the content often portrayed an idealized, flawless version of motherhood.
There were images of smiling children in perfectly coordinated outfits in front of a Christmas tree, or moms (typically white and thin) in cozy reading nooks gazing out bay windows. The “candid” photos were often carefully curated moments of peace—long family vacations, and meticulously planned family outings.
If this was their real life—more power to them.
However, many began to feel inadequate, and a new narrative emerged in the 2020s (likely influenced by the pandemic and the more authentic “realness” of TikTok reels). The concept of the “invisible load” entered the public discourse, and it was about time. These more realistic portrayals acknowledged that no parent is perfect, and everyone is just trying their best. The idyllic images of moms in serene settings were replaced by photos of mothers crying, battling exhaustion, and dealing with the inevitable challenges.
I’m not trying to shame anyone—believe me, I’ve had my fair share of tears. And I’m not suggesting that parenting is easy. But the prevailing message has often been that motherhood is so hard that it might not even be worth it.
To be clear, this narrative existed well before the pandemic, but the global crisis and platforms like TikTok gave people a space to express those silent truths. Before I became a mother in 2019, I saw a constant stream of social media highlighting the struggles, with friends telling me how parenthood would ruin my life, take away my freedom, and even destroy my ability to enjoy a glass of wine.
Embracing the Positives of Motherhood
I’ve always dreamed of being a writer and a mother, but the idea of motherhood was sometimes daunting. At the time, I was working in tech in New York City, surrounded by women who were vocal about not wanting children, saying motherhood would steal their freedom.
But here's the hot take: Motherhood hasn’t ruined my career or my body, and it certainly hasn’t taken away my autonomy. After having my child, I left my city job to pursue my passion for writing full-time—finally focusing on something that truly brought me joy. I’m also preparing for my fifth marathon, and my second as a mother (and still nursing) this weekend.
This isn’t just personal experience—research backs it up. A 2024 McKinsey report on working mothers found that 68% of them reported improved time-management skills and productivity post-parenthood, with many mentioning a sharper focus on their priorities. One respondent summarized it well: "Motherhood forced me to work smarter, not harder," a sentiment shared across industries.
Personally, I’ve rediscovered my love for reading before bed, made efforts to reconnect with family and friends, and while our gatherings may be quieter (no more wine), my body is grateful for it.
But just like the moms in Peanut’s survey, my favorite moments are the small ones at home. Recently, I watched my son put on his sneakers for the first time, and I couldn’t help but smile. My youngest giggles so hard that he snorts. They are adorable when they play with our new kitten. And nothing compares to hearing my kids chatting in the backseat during road trips.
These moments of pure joy offer more fulfillment than any career milestone or finish line. They don’t make the headlines, but I’m clearly not alone in feeling this way. Perhaps it’s time for the media to shift focus, embracing a more nuanced view of parenting.
Parenting Is Still Hard, and Not for Everyone
Peanut’s survey gets it right: The narrative around motherhood is complex, especially in the post-Roe world. I mentioned autonomy earlier, and I’m fortunate enough to live in a state where I have control over my reproductive choices. The fact that this is considered "fortunate" speaks to how fundamental these rights are. Abortion rights, too, remain a critical issue—affecting people’s ability to grieve and heal from a pregnancy loss without additional physical and emotional burdens.
I also respect the choice of my friends who don’t want children. Motherhood isn’t the be-all and end-all for anyone, including myself. It’s too much pressure to place on children to define your entire existence. Having a child because it’s expected is far more selfish than deciding not to have one.
Some people can’t have children, and fertility treatments or adoption may not be viable options for various logistical, emotional, or financial reasons.
We need to acknowledge all these different experiences. But the biggest issue I have with the current parenting discourse is how often it seems to place blame on the children themselves for the challenges of caregiving. Raising a child with a developing brain, unpredictable impulses, and endless needs is, of course, tough.
But the bigger problem is that, in the U.S., we continue to treat parenting as an individual endeavor, when it’s really a communal one. It’s not a solo race, but rather a team sport, where support from both parents and non-parents is essential.
We all share responsibility for the next generation, which is why we need policies like paid parental leave and greater support for childcare, especially since many daycare providers have struggled due to the workforce shortage. Indeed, 89% of mothers in Peanut’s survey agreed that current social support systems are inadequate. While it’s important not to gloss over the difficulties of parenting, we also need to acknowledge the joy that accompanies it.
And joy isn’t just a luxury—it’s a necessity. The small moments of happiness, like morning cuddles, are what help us push forward during the hard times. They give us something to hold onto as we take life one step, one breath at a time, until the next small moment that brings a big smile.
WhatsApp
Instagram
Threads
