A founder once asked me why her team kept misreading her feedback. She wasn’t being harsh. She wasn’t even rushing. But every time she tried to guide, someone pulled back.
It wasn’t tone. It wasn’t timing. It was the filter.
Early-stage leaders often assume their intent will travel cleanly. That if they speak clearly, they’ll be understood. But communication is never clean. It’s always passing through something else—something invisible. Personal filters shaped by past workplaces, cultural norms, family dynamics, and even school trauma.
When leaders don’t design for these filters, misalignment becomes the norm. Feedback becomes threat. Silence becomes resentment. And good intentions, over time, turn into system debt.
Lauren—let’s call her that—was mentoring a team of younger women. Gen Z and Millennials. She meant well. She wanted to guide, support, help them avoid the same isolation she faced early in her career. She gave advice freely. She pointed out what could be better.
But one of her mentees pulled away. Withdrew. Got defensive.
On the surface, it looked like resistance. But under the surface was something else: a history of performance anxiety, built in a previous job where every “suggestion” was a warning. That lens hadn’t left her. So when Lauren offered feedback, it didn’t land as care. It landed as attack.
Feedback is a feedback loop. The moment it stops cycling—when the giver pulls back out of frustration or the receiver hardens into defensiveness—trust erodes. Clarity stalls. Execution slows.
For Lauren’s team, it began to affect morale. The coaching that once energized now confused. The dynamic shifted from mentoring to misinterpretation. Not because of what was said—but because of what wasn’t understood.
We teach founders to use Filter Checks in high-trust, high-feedback teams. It’s not therapy. It’s system clarity. Three diagnostic steps:
- Signal Intent Before the Message
Don’t assume tone travels. Say, “This is a suggestion to strengthen—not a critique of value.” - Ask, Don’t Assume, the Filter
“How does this kind of feedback land for you? Are you used to this style?” - Align on Impact, Not Just Content
After the conversation, debrief: “Did that feel supportive, or did it hit differently?”
Over time, this rewires the loop. Feedback becomes safer to give—and easier to receive.
If your best advice is getting misread, what lens is it passing through? And what filter of your own might be distorting what you're hearing in return? Early teams are built on history—ours and theirs. When culture is forming, everything is signal. A raised eyebrow, a delayed reply, a skipped greeting—all of it gets interpreted through past lenses.
Founders often think their words are clear. But clarity isn’t what you say. It’s what survives the filters.
So the question isn’t, “Did I communicate well?”
It’s, “Was I received the way I intended—and did I design for that?”
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