[WORLD] The mental load of parenting isn’t new—but in today’s fast-paced, high-pressure world, it’s become heavier than ever. That’s the message from U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, who recently issued an advisory calling attention to the mounting stress that parents are grappling with nationwide.
In his advisory, Dr. Murthy points to a convergence of stressors—from financial insecurity and the lasting disruption of the COVID-19 pandemic to the chronic strain of juggling work and family life. His report advocates for broad structural changes such as more flexible workplaces and improved access to mental health care—echoing growing calls for policies like paid parental leave and affordable child care that could ease the pressure on families.
Data from the American Psychological Association reinforces the urgency: 41% of parents with children under 18 report being so stressed they struggle to function on most days, while nearly half say they feel completely overwhelmed. These figures are more than twice as high as those reported by adults without young children.
At Project Healthy Minds’ recent World Mental Health Day Festival, Parents Editor-in-Chief Grace Bastidas joined Paige Bellenbaum, Founding Director of The Motherhood Center of New York, and licensed therapist Kier Gaines for a discussion on the invisible strain of parenting—commonly referred to as the "mental load." The conversation, moderated by Rachel Berman of Verywell Mind and Parents, offered insights and solutions for managing the burden.
What the Mental Load Really Entails
The mental load refers to the often-invisible cognitive and emotional labor required to keep a household running. It encompasses everything from coordinating appointments and school activities to managing chores, preparing meals, and staying attuned to children’s emotional needs.
In today's hyper-connected world, that load has only grown. Parents report feeling constantly "on," with little time to unplug as they field emails, monitor digital activity, and strive to meet unrealistic parenting standards amplified by social media.
“The mental load is the invisible labor—the things we do that we cannot see,” said Bellenbaum. “It’s a constant state of managing today while anticipating tomorrow, next month, and the years ahead.”
This constant mental juggling act can lead to chronic stress, sleep deprivation, anxiety, and burnout—damaging both personal health and relationships.
Though the term "mental load" may feel contemporary, its essence isn’t new. Even the first Parents editor's letter in 1926 acknowledged the emotional toll of parenting, noting how mothers often felt “worried,” “bewildered,” and overwhelmed by the task.
Yet experts say today’s parents face greater challenges than ever, from skyrocketing childcare and education costs to school safety concerns and the fallout of a global pandemic.
Generational and Cultural Shifts Amplify the Burden
Unlike past generations that often relied on extended family support, modern parents—particularly in urban or mobile households—are more likely to parent in isolation. That solitude intensifies the mental strain, especially for single parents or those without nearby relatives.
Mothers in heterosexual households often bear the brunt. A study in the Archives of Women’s Mental Health found that moms handle 73% of cognitive household responsibilities and 64% of the physical chores—numbers that have serious implications for their mental well-being. “This imbalance contributes to depression, burnout, and dissatisfaction,” researchers note.
Cultural expectations also shape how the mental load is experienced. In some communities, traditional gender roles or taboos around discussing personal challenges can prevent parents from seeking support.
“There’s long been stigma around mental health in the Latine community,” said Bastidas. “But we’re starting to see a shift with younger generations embracing mental health care.”
Fathers Feel the Pressure Too
Though often overlooked, dads also shoulder their share of the mental load—and face their own barriers to addressing it. A survey by Parents and Verywell Mind revealed that two-thirds of fathers believe more mental health support is needed for dads, yet many feel judged or stigmatized when discussing their emotional struggles. “Masculine ideology hinges on self-reliance and hiding vulnerability,” said Gaines. “That mindset discourages men from asking for help.”
How Families Can Ease the Mental Load
While policy changes are essential, experts emphasize that there are practical, everyday strategies parents can use to reduce their mental burden.
1. Push Back Against Unrealistic Expectations
Parents often feel pressured to constantly engage and educate their children—pressures that are intensified by social media. “These standards aren’t realistic,” Bastidas explained. “Parents end up comparing themselves and feeling inadequate.” Gaines advised filtering online content carefully: “Pay attention to how it makes you feel. If it’s hurting your self-image, it’s time to reassess what you’re consuming.”
2. Build a Support Network
Experts agree that having a strong, supportive community is key. Whether it’s friends, parenting groups, or mental health professionals, connection helps. “At The Motherhood Center, we see how powerful community can be,” said Bellenbaum. “Being seen and heard by others who understand your experience makes everything feel a little more manageable.”
Bastidas echoed that sentiment, encouraging parents to lean on others and let go of the idea that they have to do everything alone. “Find others who are in the trenches with you,” she said. “Support and encouragement go a long way.” Gaines emphasized the need for dads to have their own networks: “Fathers need other fathers—people who can relate and offer support from shared experience.”
3. Talk About Division of Labor at Home
If you have a partner, open communication about how the mental and physical load is shared can prevent resentment and burnout.
4. Be a ‘Good Enough’ Parent
British pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the term “good enough mother” to describe a healthy, imperfect approach to parenting. “He believed that failing our children in small, manageable ways actually helps prepare them for the real world,” said Bellenbaum. “Trying to be perfect doesn’t serve us—or our kids.” Parents should aim for self-compassion over perfection. “Treat yourself like a friend,” said Bastidas. “Know when it’s good enough—and let that be enough.”
5. Prioritize Self-Care
Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Bastidas encourages parents to establish non-negotiable routines that support their well-being. “Block it on the calendar,” she said. “It helps you reclaim your identity and recharge.” Bellenbaum agreed, noting that it’s okay to take a step back when needed: “Things will get done. Maybe not perfectly, maybe not your way—but that’s okay.” As the dialogue around parental mental health grows, so too does the hope that real solutions—both societal and personal—can lighten the load.
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